i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
