Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
