I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
