I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
