I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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