Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
