Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
