I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
