So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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