sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
