Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This toilet bowl is my home.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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