Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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