I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
