I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
