My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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