i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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