just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
cat food counts as protein by the way
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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