I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and you said cock pushups were impossible
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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