First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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