So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
