a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
