the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
