dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
