I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
