She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She's the barista slut.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
