You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
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