Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
