I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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