I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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