There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
