I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
