I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
