my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
