I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
