i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No subtext here. People are naked.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
