He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
