Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
