Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
