im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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