omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
