i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
