sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
