Porn is love you can see.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
