i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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