Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
