So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
