Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We named our party play list daddy issues
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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