if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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