I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
