theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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