I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
