She said her name was "party"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
